So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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