We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
