Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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