Joe is yelling at the trees again.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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