My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
no. you can't hotbox the world.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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