I can't watch pbs sober anymore
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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