you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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