My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
