This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
