she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
