You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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