I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
