So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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