I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
