Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
