life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
