I feel like I'm in dance class right now
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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