peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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