i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
