when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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