If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
