I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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