Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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