i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
