You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
