I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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