It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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