I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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