Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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