i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
