My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Randomize
