i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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