Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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