were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
