Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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