He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
