Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
