I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
