So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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