I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
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