I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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