My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
