Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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