I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
