I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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