If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
