Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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