My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
