She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
