Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
