He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
If I die, sorry about rent.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
