I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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